But There Was Nothing To Write Until Now!

I couldn't figure out why I was having such issues when I first got here after being so excited about it. I'd been getting myself in the mindset of living life here and mentally checking out of LA, but my roommates got very upset. So we talked it out (in a manner of speaking) and I made an effort to not seem quite so excited to start over. I REALLY put forth effort to make sure my roommates knew I wasn't trying to check out on THEM, just my financial situation. I re-invested in my life in LA that week, so suddenly I was up here and it felt like a really long, weird vacation. I couldn't mentally prep. I totally see their point, by the way, but it cost me my chance to prepare myself.

I got here... and there was nothing. I felt really disconnected. My sister had been doing this work from home job and making a lot of money. My mom recommended I do it; they had both researched it and even though it asked for access to a lot of sensitive information, the BBB had given them a good rating and they totally seemed legit. You can see where this is going, I hope. After I had filled out my application, it came out in a very upsetting and dramatic way that the business was a fraud. So my prospects for that job went out the window instantaneously. This was the day before my audition for Kaiser Permanente's theater education program and the fact that this was suddenly my only chance at a full-time acting job- as well as suddenly being the only job prospect I had at all- put a lot of pressure on it. I did not do well.

Then there was a week of nothing. Lazing around the house... cooking... eating... tv... restlessness... a general sense of depression. Everyone in my family was depressed about my sister's job and I'd had to put fraud alerts on my accounts and none of us kids had jobs and my parents kept asking Dustin "what do you want to do with your life?" in a way that said, "there is no way in hell you are good enough for our daughter" and I sat around... eating... watching tv... sleeping...

There's a real sense of shame to being jobless. What could I have told anyone during any of this?

I decided to go out for administrative jobs. It's something I think I'd be good at and I'd even applied to some positions in LA, but in LA even the entry level jobs require five years or more of experience, so I hadn't gotten very far with those. Here, however, I got a hit on my resume on week two. A company called Bayside Solutions brought me in for an interview for a receptionist position. I didn't get it, but I followed up with the manager and connected with her on linked in. We liked each other, but I didn't have any experience and it's a busy office. However, she called me a few days ago to find out if I'm still looking for work and got me a job with their partner company, Jungle Source. They're a background screening company and I get to play detective and find out if people really work where they say they've worked, etc. I also get to do administrative things and I LOVE it. It's officially only a two week temp job, but even if they don't end up being able to hire me I have a feeling there will be something for me at Bayside next door.

I also just got cast in TriValley Repertory's production of The Heidi Chronicles as Susan.

Today we shot half of Dad's Garlickdance film. There will probably be production shots on facebook soon.

So life is writable now. And I'm trying not to care what people at Vanguard think. I've always been a people pleaser and I know there were many people rooting for me in LA. It's hard to know that and not see this whole move as a failure, even though I'm happy here. So... I had nothing to write.

end.

He said, "Bill, I believe this is killing me..."

I've decided to move home. I'm very happy with my decision. But I find it ironic that this song is playing. Because it does embody my worst fears about my future. But not knowing the future, I'm going to have to trust that there are better things in store than sitting in a bar and feeling stuck in whatever town I'm in.

Therefore

I have been having conversations lately. I am planning a wedding, but I haven't been planning a marriage very well. Dustin had all these issues finding a job and a really big reason comes down to me. He's left his entire life to come be with me. Now, he's with my parents trying to get on his feet, imagining a future in which he's being dragged behind me and my all-consuming dream of stardom. My priorities seemed to look like, "Career, then God, then Dustin, then maybe some other people..." I could see how that could make him feel like he shouldn't get comfortable. What was he doing all this for?

Talking with Mom, the question came up, "well, what if you DID have to choose between Dustin and acting?" "But I don't believe he'd ever ask that of me." "But that's not the point. The point is, which is more important? Which couldn't you live without?"

Well of course I know when I get married, my husband needs to be more important to me than acting. But I had this prophecy said over me eight years ago or so WHILE I was hanging out with Dustin, ironically. Our mutual friend was prophecying and said to me, "don't ever give up your dreams for a man." I can't be sure that that was a word from God. I've always believed in faith that it was, and it seemed right. And now here I am, marrying my best friend, and feeling like no matter which direction I go, I've failed.

So I'm telling all of this to mom, and I realize: the prophecy didn't say, "don't ever give up acting for a man", it said, "don't ever give up your dreams for a man". And God can replace dreams. Or add to them in unexpected ways.

I realized a lot of things very quickly.

• I've never liked LA. I like Oregon, I like Northern California, I like New York. I do not like LA.
• I like Dustin better than any of the people I've met while acting
• If I got THE role now, and it meant I ignored my future with Dustin to chase The Dream, I wouldn't like it. I would feel lonely and insecure and would probably be really malleable to every Hollywood expectation for me.
• I don't fit a type. At least not for my own age group. So trying to force my way in is going to be a harder uphill battle for me than for a lot of other girls. I have a feeling I'm going to have a much easier time of it in a few years
• My parents are supporting me as best they can, but I am out of food, the extras work dried up, I have no transportation and no more leads for entertainment work

Looking at the situation from this perspective helped. And most importantly: 

I've been so afraid of letting go of acting that my career has become my idol. It is more important to me than anything else, including any better plans God might be working on for me.

And for that reason alone, moving home is the best thing to do right now.

end.

Comme ci, comme ca

Chelan is singing the blues. Chelan is doing that really annoying thing where she talks about herself in third person. Chelan has not worked in over a week. Chelan is getting depressed.

On Tuesday, I went to MMPR Group on a referral from an actor friend. Or at least I thought he was my friend. Now I'm thinking he might get a cut for every person he sends their way. MMPRG stands for Marketing Management and Public Relations Group. The owner wouldn't arrive until six, and being only 3, I took the bus to RFBD. Got there late, left early, but recorded an hour of audio for an Economics book. I'm trying to tell myself that made the day worth it. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I came back just before six and ended up sitting in on John Barrymore's scene study class. They filmed me doing a scene from Witness (cause I love that script SO much lol) and John Barrymore and the woman who owns the place deemed that I would be a wonderful fit. Wait, that's not true. Before class even began, she came up to me and said, "I already know I want to work with you". And I had been afraid she wouldn't like me!

After the class, I stayed after and talked with her. I was pulling her away from a class she herself was attending (as the only attendee, to the instructor's disappointment) so it was suddenly very rushed. She gave me some documents to peruse and suddenly a bunch of dollar signs were catching my attention. After further questioning she claimed that in order to be managed by them, I needed to buy $300 of their headshots. Never mind that I just added a new look to my repetoire on Sunday. She didn't even look at my headshot and resume. She also said that I would need to enroll in their classes- $80 a month-, classes that my actor friend had helped establish. Oh really? I asked what she thought of me taking classes with Ivana Chubbuck (not that I can afford it, but it's what I want). She kind of dodged the question, made it sound like hers were the way I should go.

I walked out and don't intend to come back. They were going to package me and offer me an agent. For only $380, I could have been a star. But the frist rule of agent-hunting is that if anyone asks for money up front, they're not legit. I didn't recognize any of the faces on their wall except my actor friend and a woman from Deep Space Nine back in the day. And even my actor friend has a different agent. He told me he has a "special deal" with MMPR.

I feel so... used.

And at the end.

I can't pay my bills. The extras work is slim pickings. I'm not the thin kind of beauty they'll be calling to be the token hottie on all the sitcoms. Central Casting doesn't like my picture and I don't even have the $10 to update it. I'm going to the mall now to apply at various coffee joints. I think I'm going to call Booked Talent and let them know March will be my last month.

I hate this.

end.

Don't Know Why...

all of my footprints are from my RSS feed in The Republic of Korea.

The last week has been incredible. As far as I know, I did not book a single one of the auditions I went for. But a "chance" encounter on Tuesday led to a call that might lead to much bigger and better things, so everyone PRAY! I'm not a schmoozer and this was totally God's grace that lined up this opportunity. So just pray, will you? I'll tell you about it after Tuesday. "You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish... it was so fragile."

Otherwise: worked a few days on True Blood. That was a mixed bag, but turned out to have a lot of grace there, too. The first day there was a lot of vicious cat-fighting and tension, but somehow something I said actually took root for one of the main Cats, and the next day she decided she wasn't going to be vicious. Her decision to be gracious led to everyone else's viciousness falling apart, and they gave it up without much fight. Wow. That was a really great day and it warmed my heart so much. I need to remember to track her down on facebook; it meant a lot to me that she did that.

I spent $20 on hair care products. This, for me, is a large sum to spend at once. But I keep getting my hair cut shorter and shorter and I can't stand it anymore. All of my split ends, the coarseness of my hair... it's time to take care of my mane.

I'm trying to convince myself that I'm a model, so that maybe then I'll eat like one. "But Chelan", you say in terror, "models don't eat!!!" Well, knowing that I won't really be able or willing to conform to the anti-food habits of the modeling world, I'm really just trying to cut back and eat healthier with the realization that my appearance is the main factor in booking jobs and many of them would require me to trim a bit. But starvation is NOT on the menu. Just a little mental trickery.

I keep perusing craigslist for auditions and in the last week the pickings have been slim. Also, I kind of tried to give auditions a rest this week so I could get more paying gigs from my calling service. They only booked me for two days, but whatevs.

I get to see Dustin in a few weeks.

I have volunteered six hours this week to RFBD. I started recording by myself today and it felt so good. I really love it. I wish that could be my job. No seriously, I'm going to keep my eye on their employment opportunities. If I could get paid to do that for a few years, I would count myself lucky.

I'm teaching myself web programming. It's slow-going, my attention span for technological mumbo jumbo is pretty vertically challenged. But the money would be good and I'd love to be able to help Dustin with that as he helps small businesses.

I have the writing bug again. Springtime, anyone?

that's all I can think of. So many changes, so little time. God is good.

end.

Oh, The Places You'll Go

This could also be titled, "Counting Your Chickens Before They Hatch". I've done two auditions in two days, I'm about to head to a third one, and I feel really good. I haven't done much this week that pays, but I'm working at The Image (bridal shop) tomorrow and I did a medical screening and a few surveys today that are worth $100. So that's good. I may have just landed a role in a short film that will be worth $250. The one I did last night was really good too, but I'm not sure how the director feels about me. He asked me out afterwards via text- maybe just to hang out but I have to assume I need to clarify details- and I did so promptly. Tone doesn't travel so well by text, so I hope I wasn't crushing. I come across as naive. I get hit on a lot, and I never know if it's because the guy actually liked me or if he thinks I'm easy because I'm green.

It's not easy being green.

...Anyway. I am sitting in a place called Kokomo's in Beverly Hills, wasting time before my audition for the commercial. It's raining. I put my hair in curlers this morning only to walk outside and be rained on. Curlers never work on me, I think I just don't put them in correctly. My hair in general makes me cringe. Thee last two days I've just put it in a lazy bun and tried to make it part of the characters: Boho chic, if you will. So far I think I'm selling it.

I've talked to God an awful lot lately. Everyone who's been praying with/for me has been re-iterating that "this is the time to make God (my) best friend." I believe that... I just don't know what it looks like. So I'm faking it. I talk to him when I'm walking or on the bus. I write him letters. And some things have become evident in my heart that were hidden before. So I know He's working in me. I continue to battle a feeling of failure even though I know He's proud of me and He's excited for me and He's pulling me through new and incredible things.

I've been juggling a lot the past few days. I just tried to call Thelia back at The Image to schedule work tomorrow when I had a coughing fit. And this morning on the bus I choked on my gum. Both created pretty intense asthma attacks and something inside me says that's a sign to slow down. But I've made commitments that I need to fulfill. And I also don't know how. I keep talking with Dustin on the phone and after we pray, I go immediately back to Craigslisting. He keeps saying, "it bothers me that you're not giving this a second, that you're going right back to doing it all yourself instead of trusting God's provision for you like we just prayed." But will God line up auditions for me? I feel so much energy and grace to go for it. I don't know if asthma attacks are signs to slow down or just signs of distress in this mortal world. Or reminders that I'm weak and I need to remember to rely on God? I think there's a balance somewhere in there that's right.

I have to go walking in the rain again. It doesn't bother me so much. Bussing is more stressful than just facing the cold head on.

end.